Thursday, June 10, 2004

No, It's Not Sarcasm...

I just read on Slashdot that Valve Software has had some arrests pertaining to the stolen Half Life 2 source code fiasco. I'd like to take this opportunity to personally thank Valve for their valiant effort.

You know why? Because I'm sure that if they hadn't used all that time to fish around for the "perps", the events immediately following would have been horrendous: 1.) "P1r4at3s r00l S0ftw4r3z 1nc" releases "h@lf l1f3 2" which, of course, is downloaded by the millions, everyone believing that they are truly getting a free copy of Half Life 2, but in reality... 2.) Every single person with a copy of "h@lf l1f3 2" immediately becomes infected with an unremovable virus. 3.) Said virus begins the process of constantly monitoring every computer Valve has running, including the design document for 2014's Half Life 3. 4.) "P1r4at3s r00l S0ftw4r3z 1nc" waits 15 years and releases "H@lf l1fe E(3)", 5 years before Valve ships Half Life 3. 5.) Rinse and repeat.

Of course: the reason I buy computer games in the first place is that I know the source code is completely closed so people can't cheat. It's not like anyone ever cheats at a commercial videogame. With open source software(or stolen code) anybody can read the code, and you know what? They can use that knowledge to (Gasp!) cheat! No, no, no. I need Valve's ever mysterious Steam to protect me from mean people with too much computer knowledge who like to break the rules.

All sarcasm aside, I don't buy computer games for the fucking engine. I buy them because of the large teams of artists, the extensive testing, the voice acting, and the fucking polish. None of that has a single fucking thing to do with source code. By the way, even if "preventing cheating" by rewriting the code was the actual reason for pushing the release date back, that shit still doesn't take a year.

I never had any intentions of buying Half Life 2 anyway, but now thanks to the double-headed assfuck of death comprised of Steam and Valve's lawyers, I wouldn't buy it if there was a segment where you could run through Valve's offices, guns blazing.

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